beccavox: (caine punch)
2015-10-19 08:45 pm
Entry tags:

Would you like some cheese with that whine?

I have to get this out of my system. I am so fucking tired of being ill that I want to scream. My Interstital Cystitis is kicking my ass, and my life is suffering for it. It hurts too much to go to work. It hurts too much to go have fun. It hurts too much to think. And it's not going anywhere.

I've been in pain with the IC for almost four years now. That's too long to hurt. My doctor ordered rehab, and it helped. Then my insurance refused to pay for it because I was getting better. I wasn't at 100%, but that was enough, apparently. So I've kept up the exercises that I can do unassisted, but it's not enough. I've had 'bladder installations' in which lidocaine is physically pumped into my bladder. It helps, but a treatment only lasts 2-3 days. At the moment, I'm fighting a bladder infection (that could have been caused by the installation, go figure).

Pissed off is an understatement. I am livid. I want to destroy cities.

But the anger doesn't make it feel better. So I try to relax, meditate, and, most importantly, take my mind off the constant pain. So far, nothing is helping. I don't want to make the move toward pain medication; I want to treat this by fighting it, and not by giving in. But, it is, at the moment, winning.

I need to find my way back to hope.